I've really been avoiding this post. Really, I've been avoiding my blog. Kind of like if I didn't blog about it, then none of it could be real and so it would all just go away. But unfortunately it's not going away.
Before I begin this story, I have to lay out two facts which I find quite embarrassing and I generally don't like to talk about.
1. I still live with my parents.
2. I don't have a job.
So I have to go back to New Years when J and I were supposed to get together but his debit card intervened (you can read the whole story here). My parents were pissed off then and are still pissed off. They have nothing to do with him and won't let me see him. It sounds ridiculous, but remember, I'm still living in their house with no income of my own.
It has been approximately 4 months since I've last seen him. His sister (we will call her Em) and her sons have been dying to see me, so they planned a trip up all the way from the great state of Alabama. They are going to stop and pick J up on the way and then continue up to see me. So I will be getting to see him for 3 days next week (which the lovely parents are unaware of).
Because of not being able to see J, and really no prospect of knowing when I will get to see him, Em invited me to go back down to Alabama with her and live with her for a bit and she would bring me back home. And being the good girl that I am, I wanted to ask my parents first. I mean, I am living under their roof and they are providing for me. But their answer was no. The excuses being that they didn't believe that Em would bring me back; it was a lot of gas money for her to spend. They even said that she shouldn't come now if she could only stay 3 days here. She should wait until the summer where she can stay more time.
With all of this going on, I have been feeling like a failure at life. I've cried about this more times that I can remember or care to recount. I can't find a job in my field, nor have I been able to find a regular job. Plus, I feel like I'm on the strictest house arrest ordered by the court. I want an escape from it all.
I am a semi-religious person. I believe in God, though I don't go to church and rarely read the bible, I still talk to Him. Though mostly I have His ear when I have something bothering me, like now. I really try to be a good daughter. Do the right thing and all. But it is becoming increasingly hard.
The thoughts on my mind mostly now are "running away". Though when you are 22 years old I'm not really sure if running away is a good term, but you get the picture. I'm thinking about going back with Em even though my parents have told me I can't go. But I am such a huge worry wort. What if I run away and my parents won't take me back? How will I get all of my stuff out of the house? What will I do about health insurance? What happens when I run out of the medicine I need for my thyroid?
Out of all of this that has been going on in my life, I've come to realize happiness is truly what should come first in life. And God knows, I'm not happy now. My parents are looking on with a blind eye to my unhappiness and pretending it doesn't even exist. But I'm getting tired of pretending and putting on a not so happy face. I need an escape, a trap door to just escape through. Maybe a rabbit hole, somewhere, anywhere better than here.
As always, thank you for reading. Especially this one!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
So, I am still alive. I just haven't felt like blogging much lately. I mentioned vaguely a while ago that I was having this problem that was really giving me a struggle.
Well this problem still is causing me struggle. And that is one of the reasons I haven't felt much like blogging. But I've decided that I will soon be posting about this struggle of mine. I feel like it will help me to get it out and maybe get some feedback from y'all.
BUT as sort of an update besides the struggles in my life, I do have an appearance update! I am usually an all out blonde, naturally. But I got a little tired of the blonde thing and decided to go brown for a while.
The problem with dying my hair is that the dye doesn't stay. Literally. It just washes out. And I'm not talking about the "wash out" kind of dye. It's the permenant stuff, even going to the salon and spending the big bucks for them to color my hair. Washes out... and about 5 to 6 weeks later, I'm completely blonde again. It's been 3 weeks so far and I can tell it has lightened up a bunch. But oh well. It's fun to be different while it lasts.
Common Discussions: Me
Monday, March 4, 2013
So I totally forgot to write this yesterday to schedule since I was going out of town today. But I am back sitting on my comfy bed writing my 5 for Five!
So last week...
1. Finish the book Green Zone. I am giving this a purple, because I tried to finish it. I got 3/4th of the way done and just couldn't do it. I'm not a history reader. I just can't make myself to do it.
2. Workout 6 days this week. Again a purple because I got 5 of the 6 days in. So, not a perfect but that's pretty good.
3. Publish at least 2 posts this week. Finally a green! I posted about my 100th blog post and It's OK Check them out!
4. Finish a stained glass piece. I finished J's stained glass. I think it turned out wonderfully!
5. Organize my bookshelf. I found most of my books scattered around here and there and got them on the shelf. They take up most of 2 shelves! I'm so happy that now I can go through and look at all my books and see which ones I've read and which ones I want to read!
3/5 isn't too bad especially since I tried hard to finish the other 2!
1. Call about substitute teaching in Alabama. I'm looking into jobs there incase I decide to go down at the end of the month
2. Finish my sunflower stained glass piece. Or at least start soldering it. I have the pieces cut out and grinded, now for copper foiling and soldering!
3. Finish Body Movers book. I got it today from the library, it's alright so far.
4. Put my shoes away every day. I have a bad habit of leaving them lay wherever I take them off.
5. Find a new recipe for dinner one night this week. I'm very tired of eating the same things over and over again! Suggestions very welcome!